Just sent the following to my roommate. At the least, thought Ass_man and a few others of you might want to read.
Hello, roommate.
How are you? Splendid. If you’ve got a moment, I would like to talk to you about the magic of reproduction.
Scientists are unsure exactly how the lust-and-thrust process began, but one thing is for sure: The ol’ pickle-tickle has been around for a long time – dare I say, longer than either of us. People have been enjoying a squeeze and a squirt for at least a hundred years. I’m sure long before we moved into this apartment, people were slapping bellies in here, and long after we move out, people will continue to play ‘hide the hot dog’ between these blessed walls.
You are welcome to do the funky chicken any time you like. As far as I’m concerned, you pay half the rent, so you should be entitled to half of the muffin-buttering that goes on in our residence. More than half, even– there is nothing on the lease that dictates the amount of hot beef injections a tenant does must be linked to rent moneys paid.
Honestly, the purpose of my e-mail is really not to discuss the frequency of trout-stabbing that goes on in our domicile. It is to kindly request that we set some limits around the acceptable locations and volumes for wick-dipping. I don’t know how loud “too loud” is, but when the books on my bookshelf begin dancing around like a scene from ‘Poltergeist’, and I can hear the sounds of donut-glazing through the wall, my headphones, and the music I’ve put on – at that point, I would hazard a guess that we’ve crossed into the realm of “too loud”. I would encourage you to explore this kind of chimney sweeping on days or times when I am not home.
As to acceptable locations for butter-churning- the list here is long. Let’s make things simple and invert the question. What venues are sub-optimal for playing pass-the-gravy? Off the top of my head, I would say my room, the common room, and the kitchen. Please pay special attention to that last one. No matter how deep in the throes of passion you should find yourself, the 15 square feet where we prep food will never be on the approved list of plug-and-play locations. I am not sure what transpired last night in the kitchen – and I don’t want to know – but I know that after spending several hours on allrecipes.com, whatever happened is not described there. Perhaps I should have tried recipezaar.
Yours, in puerile euphemisms,
Hello, roommate.
How are you? Splendid. If you’ve got a moment, I would like to talk to you about the magic of reproduction.
Scientists are unsure exactly how the lust-and-thrust process began, but one thing is for sure: The ol’ pickle-tickle has been around for a long time – dare I say, longer than either of us. People have been enjoying a squeeze and a squirt for at least a hundred years. I’m sure long before we moved into this apartment, people were slapping bellies in here, and long after we move out, people will continue to play ‘hide the hot dog’ between these blessed walls.
You are welcome to do the funky chicken any time you like. As far as I’m concerned, you pay half the rent, so you should be entitled to half of the muffin-buttering that goes on in our residence. More than half, even– there is nothing on the lease that dictates the amount of hot beef injections a tenant does must be linked to rent moneys paid.
Honestly, the purpose of my e-mail is really not to discuss the frequency of trout-stabbing that goes on in our domicile. It is to kindly request that we set some limits around the acceptable locations and volumes for wick-dipping. I don’t know how loud “too loud” is, but when the books on my bookshelf begin dancing around like a scene from ‘Poltergeist’, and I can hear the sounds of donut-glazing through the wall, my headphones, and the music I’ve put on – at that point, I would hazard a guess that we’ve crossed into the realm of “too loud”. I would encourage you to explore this kind of chimney sweeping on days or times when I am not home.
As to acceptable locations for butter-churning- the list here is long. Let’s make things simple and invert the question. What venues are sub-optimal for playing pass-the-gravy? Off the top of my head, I would say my room, the common room, and the kitchen. Please pay special attention to that last one. No matter how deep in the throes of passion you should find yourself, the 15 square feet where we prep food will never be on the approved list of plug-and-play locations. I am not sure what transpired last night in the kitchen – and I don’t want to know – but I know that after spending several hours on allrecipes.com, whatever happened is not described there. Perhaps I should have tried recipezaar.
Yours, in puerile euphemisms,