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Kaal123

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I’ve been reading this forum for a while, first time posting. To clarify, I am not taking the CFA, but started dating someone in December who is. When we first started dating, he had more free time, and things were great. This seems to be a common question and from what I’ve read, April and May are the hardest months when you put in the most studying. Lately, he’s been avoiding making plans and things just seem different. There was no significant argument that led to this, in fact I thought things were getting better, until this past week. We always had a good time together, and he says so too, so the only reason I can come up with is the test. He’s taking level 3 now by the way, passed levels 1 and 2 on first attempt, so I think he knows what he’s doing. He even suggested we take a break, which hurt because it came out of nowhere. My question is, is this normal behavior for someone undertaking what he is? He also works in finance in a high pressure job. He says he’s under a lot of stress and just really needs to study now. I want to be a supportive girlfriend, but feel like my needs aren’t being met. Can someone please provide some insight into what it’s really like, and what they would appreciate in a partner during this time? I do not wish to be selfish, and want him to pass. Should we take a break? I barely see him now anyway, is it really possible that he has to study THIS much? (Every day after work, and on weekends.) He says he is behind because of his job. I guess I’m trying to decide if this is his way of breaking up with me and I should move on, or if this is all plausible and he really just needs the alone time.
 
Hacksaw. You want to be with someone that can crush the tests and fulfill your needs. I’m sure plenty of posters will volunteer to show you how a real BSD rolls. Three, two, one…..
 
From my perspective (being a girl), it was a lot easier on my relationship studying for the exams than on my male friends. My husband was stoked he got to mountain bike and ski nights and weekends, but almost all the men I knew were struggling. As an update: all my friends and their gfs all still together now, but it was definitely rough. My advice would be to just stick it out and support him for the next few months. Level III in particular was really stressful because you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and you just want to get it all over with. I met my husband when he was writing professional exams, and I cooked, cleaned, made him lunch etc. Throughout my CFA exams he got all the groceries, cleaned the house, did all our other chores. Life’s a give and take - it’s never 50/50 but usually 80/20 at any given time. As long as he’s there for you when you need support, I would suggest putting in the 80 now and picking up the discussion of how to balance that out after the exam. Hope this helps :)
 
Thanks for the input. I do feel like it’s a little unfair, and perhaps I’m setting a precedent by allowing him to put my needs last. I know this is really important and stressful, but like ghibli says I want someone who can fulfill my needs too. What happens when other stressful life events occur?
 
I think his suggestion of the break was that he knew he couldn’t give 100% right now
 
Well what is his definition of this “break”?
This was a critical theme in the wildly successful television sitcom Friends and it was clear that the two parties involved were at very opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of what the break meant. It really caused a lot of pain for Ross and Rachel (and honestly, myself). I feel Ross made out better because he got to sleep with another girl though but the thing is… Rachel wanted the break. So it’s all very convoluted.
So I suggest you find out what this means… see other people or just simply give him total freedom to study?
 
ltj wrote:
Well what is his definition of this “break”?
This was a critical theme in the wildly successful television sitcom Friends and it was clear that the two parties involved were at very opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of what the break meant. It really caused a lot of pain for Ross and Rachel (and honestly, myself). I feel Ross made out better because he got to sleep with another girl though but the thing is… Rachel wanted the break. So it’s all very convoluted.
So I suggest you find out what this means… see other people or just simply give him total freedom to study?
Click to expand...
hahahha nice. and i agree, ross got the better end of that deal…..seeing as they ended up together anyways
 
Haha! We weerrrrre onnnn a breaaaakkkkk!!! No not THAT kind of break, just time to focus on studying. That countdown at the top of the page is depressing to me. Is having a girlfriend while you do this really that much extra stress and pressure? I understand the time commitment and what it means if he fails, so I feel maybe I should just let him focus on that. I wouldn’t do this for anyone else, but this isn’t a normal situation, I know how seriously he takes this. I can see how me getting annoyed at his lack of free time and effort in planning things are arguments he doesn’t need right now, so does it make sense to do this? Anyone else ever broken up and got back together after the test? I’m an artist, so I really have no concept of what it’s like. This is all new to me. I care about him a lot and just trying to get an understanding of how much studying (and a full time 60 hour work week) really impacted your relationships.
 
“….I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and stand a post. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to….”
The quote crossed my mind for some reason.
 
Thought that OP was my gf for the first half of the post. I was like “ohhhhhhh $h1T, this is not good.”
 
If you like him, leave him alone for two months. He doesnt have time to cheat on you.
Consider this: is he truly setting a ‘precedent of putting your needs last’ or are you more concerned that he is not putting your needs first all the time?
 
OP, I feel your pain but look at it from his perspective. Your man understands that relationships are often temporary, but the CFA is for life.
 
Hey, in my case my non CFA cand bf left me n days after the exam. Making it my fault that I wasn’t available. The moral of the story is, there is always someone higher up in the asshole scale.
Do you live together? If not, then just don’t see him until after the test. Honestly though, from my experience if I need to be alone I’d rather just be alone, rather than deal with a break up too.
Actually you know what this is a selfish dude that can’t handle stress probably. Everyone deserves better! Wait till he has a bigger crisis. Do you really want to take care of such an emotionally inept man for the rest of your life.
 
Am I crazy to think that maybe studying for the cfa is different than “being there for you in a bigger crisis”? I mean if something terrible happened to you and he said leave me alone I’m studying, definitely ditch him. If life is status quo, it’s likely he’s just prioritizing and this is not an indication that he will forever neglect your needs and/or not be there for you when the going gets tough.
Again, relationships in my humble view, are a give and take. If he has been supportive of you before studying, odds are he’ll snap back to normal. Alternatively, he may be asking himself the same thing - that if you can’t support him through studying, then how are you going to stick by him when shit really hits the fan…
 
CFA exams are very stressful, especially the time leading up to the exam. My GF, overall, has been very good about understanding that I need to study, though I can tell she gets annoyed at times that we can’t be doing fun things together. I would just give him his space right now and let him study. Don’t put him in the position of having to choose between you and the exam. I think the exam is sort of an extension of trying to make him choose between you and his job (because he is really only doing the CFA to enhance his career prospects), and no one likes to be held back from their job by their significant other. If things don’t pick up after the exam in June, it’s safe to say there as not much to the relationship andI’d probably think about punting him at that point.
 
^ +1
Those who have never taken the exam, especially L2 and L3, don’t know how stressful it is.
@OP - What you’re going through is normal. Just ride the wave until June.
FYI - I had a two year-old and my wife was 7 months pregnant when I took L3. So always look on the bright side of life.
 
If you’re in it for the long game, keep that perspective. If not, then stop wasting your time. If you’re serious about a long term relationship you need to learn that two months of rough times for a lifetime of benefit is not a big deal.
Highly successful relationships have ups and downs and you push through and keep your focus on the long run. If you expect no difficult periods in your life, you’re unreasonable and selfish. Which is fine if you’re just in it for the short game. But don’t pretend that this is his fault. You alone are responsible for your happiness. Honestly. Its the cornerstone of successful relationships.
The idea that you’d expect someone to put aside or potentially jeopardize an important career point for your short term enjoyment just stinks of selfishness. Sorry, but that’s my two cents. We are talking a couple months. Go take a cooking class, get in shape or do something to develop your own career. Find your own satisfaction. If you’re going to rely on someone else to create your happiness every month for the rest of your life, you’re doomed.
What do you do for a living?
 
geo wrote:If you’re in it for the long game, keep that perspective. If not, then stop wasting your time. If you’re serious about a long term relationship you need to learn that two months of rough times for a lifetime of benefit is not a big deal. Highly successful relationships have ups and downs and you push through and keep your focus on the long run. If you expect no difficult periods in your life, you’re unreasonable and selfish. Which is fine if you’re just in it for the short game. But don’t pretend that this is his fault. You alone are responsible for your happiness. Honestly. Its the cornerstone of successful relationships. The idea that you’d expect someone to put aside or potentially jeopardize an important career point for your short term enjoyment just stinks of selfishness. Sorry, but that’s my two cents. We are talking a couple months. Go take a cooking class, get in shape or do something to develop your own career. Find your own satisfaction. If you’re going to rely on someone else to create your happiness every month for the rest of your life, you’re doomed. What do you do for a living?
Click to expand...
OP is an artist.
 
I actually don’t think I’m selfish at all. I came on here to try to hear from people who went through it to help me understand. That shows dedication and thought for him. We decided to take the break. I said over and over that i support his career and know how important this is. I am an artist and work at a gallery, and actually am very in shape, thank you. I understand that two months is nothing if it’s meant to be. I am making the sacrifice for him now even though it hurts, I do just hope he comes around after the exam. I just wanted to know if others went through similar situations. The advice my friends give is bad because they don’t understand, and think he should be making more time for me. They say I’m making excuses for him which I’m not. It helps to talk to people who know firsthand what it’s like.
 
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